If . . . Then

You know how life works:  If THIS . . . Then THAT.  It’s the classic formula for cause-and-effect.

So here are some foolproof “if . . . then” statements I’ve been pondering. Some of them from personal experience and others from close observation. I’ll let you determine which is which.


If you want to make sure your house doesn’t get mice, then get a cat.  Or two.

If you want your mind to be sharper, then turn off the TV and open a book.

If you want to stop snacking during the day, then get Invisalign.

If you want intense abdominal pain, then learn the proper technique for the ab roller.

If you want to lose any remnant of ambition, then celebrate 4/20 at 4:20 every year.

If you want to become an ordained pastor in the United Methodist Church, then start today.  It takes a while.

If you want to stay married a long time, then pay more attention to your marriage than to your kids.

If you want to get a job at a bigger church, then grow the one you have.

If you want to get people talking, ask them where they were born and what’s happened since.

If you want to preach without notes, then preach without notes.

If you want to sleep well, then repeat Colossians 3:11 to yourself when you turn out the lights.