Top Five Tuesday — Top Five (Or Six) Stories That Didn’t QUITE Make It Into Your Illustrated Children’s Bible

We’ve all seen these:

And what’s inside most of those illustrated children’s bible tends to be a much-sanitized version of the real thing.

By making Scripture palatable to pre-schoolers and pre-teens, we rob it of its wildness and unpredictability.

Sometimes what you find when you actually open the bible up is shocking.  Hilarious.  Nuanced.  Bloody.  Rated PG-13.  Or R.

So here they are: my top five stories that you won’t find in your illustrated children’s bible:

6.  Jael and Sisera from Judges 4.  A remote tent, a skin of warm milk, and a serial rapist gets some earthly judgment.

5.  Abraham passes Sarah off as his sisterTwiceAt best it is deception.  At worst, prostitution.  All for the sake of Abraham’s skin.

4.  The anonymous naked guy in Mark’s account of Jesus’ arrest.  Children should never hear the words “anonymous” and “naked” in the same sentence.

3.  Elisha gets even with kids who make fun of his male pattern baldness.  A lesson for all of you: be careful of what you say about religious leaders’ hair..

2.  Noah gets drunk and naked after the storm.  AKA Chapter Five of The Storm Before The Calm!

1. Esther’s appearance before King Xerxes’ in Eshter 2I can’t wait to preach from this one on Sunday!